'The Tea and Biscuits' Sales Rep

Our extremely unreliable grapevine has been at it again, this time with more news on the series celebrating the NHS’ 70th birthday. The next episode continues its observation of healthcare sales reps in their natural habitats. 

Sir David Attenborough, over to you… 

Another member of the Hospital Sales Rep family is ‘Salesus Slothius’, better known as the ‘Tea and Biscuits’ Sales Rep. 

Compared to ‘The Peacock’, this salesperson is far less conspicuous and prefers a more leisurely, long-term approach to how they go about things. To them, the word ‘mañana’ has too urgent a connotation. 

Favouring a much more casual style, Salesus Slothius is recognisable by its friendly, chatty and innocuous demeanour. It will often announce its approach by poking its head around a door and simply enquiring whether everything’s okay. 

And that’s it. Nothing more. 

Should this lead to an invitation to sit down, it then provides the perfect environment for it to relax into full ‘Tea and Biscuits’ mode. There is no other situation in which this rep is more at home and at ease; it’s a setting that allows them to demonstrate their full repertoire of sociable, empty communication over a hot drink and chocolate Hobnobs. To discuss any form of business is considered uncouth. That can wait for another time. Instead, it’s far better to talk about anything and everything else. 

As well as biscuits, their staple diet consists of sandwiches, cakes and donuts which they will often share with others. If anything, it adds to the conviviality. However, because they arrive laden with such a feast of goodies, one shouldn’t expect anything as practical or useful as pens, pads or even product information. Unless they’re in edible form. 

Collectively referred to as a drizzle of salespersons, very little ruffles the feathers of The Tea and Biscuits rep. Urgency just causes them stress. Hence slow and steady, steady and slow, and slow and slow wins the day. Indeed, why do something today that can also be done tomorrow, or next week, or next month? Or never. 

They are usually spotted in daylight hours and, being less fleet-footed than other reps, have evolved a keen sense of danger; as such, they are extremely careful not to stay too long in one place before returning to the refuge of their car. Sometimes, they will stay there for hours on end until the perceived threat has passed. You’d be forgiven for thinking that the hospital environment is not their natural habitat. That’s not true though – they are just waiting for the all-clear when they can again move around unobserved and in safety. 

Climate, too, can play havoc with their desire to venture into The Great Outdoors, and there have been instances when the early onset of a harsh winter has forced some into premature hibernation. In fact, some Tea and Biscuits reps are sometimes not seen for months on end. And that may be regardless of what the weather is doing. 

Come springtime though, and after a long, bleak season, they will eventually resurface refreshed and relaxed… 

Ready for another exhausting sit down and nice cup of tea. 

Indeed, it’s the circle of life.

Until next time...

‘The Peacock’ Sales Rep

Breaking news…

Continuing a lifetime's study of different species in their natural habitats, we’ve just heard (on an extremely unreliable grapevine) that Sir David Attenborough has been commissioned to do a programme on hospital sales reps to help celebrate the NHS' 70th birthday.

Should be interesting. Already, we can imagine his rich, hushed tones…

The Hospital Sales Rep, or to take its biological name ‘Salesus Reptilius Hospitalis’, is a fascinating species. 

Often seen congregating in hospital coffee shops and car parks, some are easier to spot than others, but none more so than one type in particular: ‘The Peacock’... 

Through decades of evolutionary self-styling, The Peacock is characterised by its appearance: the parading sales rep of the healthcare world. Witness them huddled together in a group, and it is impossible to miss this plume of salespersons. 

Well-groomed, ultra-coiffed, and adorned with designer stubble or the latest trend in facial hair – of course, that is just the males – don’t be fooled that physical appearance is all that matters to them... 

Accessories are just as important. What could be more resplendent than a sharp-looking three-piece suit, a bold tie, brown shoes and statement socks? And all of this perfectly complemented by an understatedly large wristwatch that is rarely ever used to tell the time. 

It’s perfect attire for a hospital setting, even if it is a look that wouldn’t be out of place at a wedding, on a Stock Exchange trading floor or international catwalk. To The Peacock, showcasing the latest trends never goes out of fashion. 

Fledgling Peacock reps, known as ‘Preeners’, aspire to this full image status in the hope of being accepted into the wider family. However, it can lead to an extremely harsh lesson if not managed properly. Many a Preener has been ostracised by his plume for not realising that there’s only one ‘l’ in ‘Rolex’ and that ‘Arrrmani’ is no more than a cheap, West Country imitation. 

In today’s modern world, Peacocks also need to be incredibly fit and dextrous – it’s an absolute must if they are to manage the latest piece of IT equipment in one hand, and a quadruple-shot free trade Ghanaian latte in the other. And, so as not to compromise either of these functions, their bags are often kept in the boot of the car for safety. It’s all part of keeping up appearances. 

Nonetheless, image-conscious though they may be, Peacocks also have an innate ability to blend in effortlessly with their surroundings. In an instant, and thanks to a rather ingenious talent, they can render themselves invisible. One minute you see them as clear as day, and the next, you’d be hard pushed to spot them in an empty room. Probably because they’re not there. 

Whilst often misunderstood, there is no doubt that they remain one of the most enigmatic creatures within the sales genus. 

But, in the right setting, and at the right time, it is possible to catch a fleeting glimpse of this extraordinary species in all its glory. 

Usually around midday. And rarely on Fridays.

Until next time...