Thursday, 7 June 2018

‘The Peacock’ Sales Rep

Breaking news… 

Continuing a lifetime's study of different species in their natural habitats, we’ve just heard (on an extremely unreliable grapevine) that Sir David Attenborough has been commissioned to do a programme on hospital sales reps to help celebrate the NHS' 70th birthday.

Should be interesting. Already, we can imagine his rich, hushed tones…

The Hospital Sales Rep, or to take its biological name ‘Salesus Reptilius Hospitalis’, is a fascinating species. 

Often seen congregating in hospital coffee shops and car parks, some are easier to spot than others, but none more so than one type in particular: ‘The Peacock’... 

Through decades of evolutionary self-styling, The Peacock is characterised by its appearance: the parading sales rep of the healthcare world. Witness them huddled together in a group, and it is impossible to miss this plume of salespersons. 

Well-groomed, ultra-coiffed, and adorned with designer stubble or the latest trend in facial hair 
– of course, that is just the males – don’t be fooled that physical appearance is all that matters to them... 

Accessories are just as important. What could be more resplendent than a sharp-looking three-piece suit, a bold tie, brown shoes and statement socks? And all of this perfectly complemented by an understatedly large wristwatch that is rarely ever used to tell the time. 

It’s perfect attire for a hospital setting, even if it is a look that wouldn’t be out of place at a wedding, on a Stock Exchange trading floor or international catwalk. To The Peacock, showcasing the latest trends never goes out of fashion. 

Fledgling Peacock reps, known as ‘Preeners’, aspire to this full image status in the hope of being accepted into the wider family. However, it can lead to an extremely harsh lesson if not managed properly. Many a Preener has been ostracised by his plume for not realising that there’s only one ‘l’ in ‘Rolex’ and that ‘Arrrmani’ is no more than a cheap, West Country imitation. 

In today’s modern world, Peacocks also need to be incredibly fit and dextrous – it’s an absolute must if they are to manage the latest piece of IT equipment in one hand, and a quadruple-shot free trade Ghanaian latte in the other. And, so as not to compromise either of these functions, their bags are often kept in the boot of the car for safety. It’s all part of keeping up appearances. 

Nonetheless, image-conscious though they may be, Peacocks also have an innate ability to blend in effortlessly with their surroundings. In an instant, and thanks to a rather ingenious talent, they can render themselves invisible. One minute you see them as clear as day, and the next, you’d be hard pushed to spot them in an empty room. Probably because they’re not there. 

Whilst often misunderstood, there is no doubt that they remain one of the most enigmatic creatures within the sales genus. 

But, in the right setting, and at the right time, it is possible to catch a fleeting glimpse of this extraordinary species in all its glory. 

Usually around midday. And rarely on Fridays.

Until next time...

Monday, 7 May 2018

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Tarrant’s gone. Clarkson’s back. And so is this TV favourite to mark its 20th anniversary.

What better time then to repost our accountant’s edition WWTBAM from Chapman Worth’s blog in September 2017…


Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?

We can definitely help. But first, it’s time for the Chapman Worth quiz…

Here’s our industry-topical homage to one of the most popular quizzes of all time. (Unfortunately, there’s no money up for grabs although winners will have the opportunity to unsubscribe from to our mailing list.)


Q1: What expenses can landlords now claim?
A. Whatever they like.
B. Whatever they can get away with.
C. Those that are wholly and exclusively for the purposes of renting out the property.
D. None. It’s not worth being a landlord.

Q2: What is Form 17?
A. A millennial hip-hop group from Grove.
B. The document that follows Form 16.
C. A shampoo for poodles.
D. A HMRC declaration for cohabiting couples to acknowledge unequal property ownership and be taxed proportionally.

Q3: What’s the definition of ‘people with significant control’?
A. Someone with authority or skill – e.g. a teacher, traffic warden, or juggler.
B. Someone who can drink 11 cups of tea without the need to powder their nose.
C. An individual who exerts significant control over a UK company or LLP through shares or voting rights.
D. Your other half.

Q4: What is disincorporation relief?
A. A televised, annual fundraising event.
B. Relief that allows the transfer of a business from a private limited company to a sole trader or partnership; and due to end on 31 March 2018.
C. The feeling you get when you leave behind corporate life.
D. An over-the-counter medication.

Q5: What does OTS stand for?
A. Office of Tax Simplification.
B. Office of Tax Simpletons.
C. Oh. Tax. S**t.
D. Overly Tense Subtraction.

If you’re dying to know the correct answers or want to read more on the topics covered here, you’ll find everything you need in this month’s email newsletter.

And if you’ve still no idea what quiz show we’ve been talking about, it might be time to ask the audience.

Either that, or shout in exasperation: “I’ll have a ‘P’ please, Bob!” Anything to let you escape the room.

Until next time...

Firstly... and kind of finally!

Good day. And here is the news...

At long last we're delighted to announce that the BonMots website has gone live.

Firstly, we'd like to thank our many clients  for keeping us busy enough to not be able to finish our own website sooner, and commission work based purely on word of mouth and a holding page with another gnu on it. Your faith meant everything!

A huge thanks too to Mark Baker from Seven Design Associates for his tireless and talented efforts in getting the site just the way we wanted it. Delighted is not the word. (Well, it is, but you know what we mean.) Mr B, thanks so much!

And finally, best not to do a website launch the same way you would a ship. Not only do you end up with Champagne all over the floor, but your laptop doesn't look too healthy afterwards either.

We hope you enjoy your time on BonMots...

BonMots: Website design by Seven Design Associates.
                  Words by BonMots.